Relational Aggression

I was mulling over my daughter's predicament in school involving one of her best friends...or shall I say ex-best friend (whom I will refer here as Girl Friend or GF). Girl Friend suddenly gave her the silent treatment, without any warning. They had no arguments nor misunderstanding that could have triggered GF's attitude.

At first I just listened to her and advised her to give Girl Friend some time to talk about it. I want to think that this is just one of those things experienced by preteens and nothing to worry about. But each day stories I hear from my daughter get bothersome. I know my daughter is hurting because someone she considers one of her best friends has been giving her cold-shoulder treatment.

She was at a lost why it happened. I helped her sort out the things that transpired between them the past days but we cannot find anything unusual. My daughter said GF just stopped talking to her. Worst is Girl Friend "steals" the attention of their common friends. Girl Friend cuts in the middle of her conversation with a common friend and tries to leave her out of the conversation.

My daughter gets angry when this happens. But I know, she is hurt more than angry. She just leaves the group when Girl Friend starts on her.

You see I like Girl Friend (or used to like given the way she acts towards my daughter these days). She is bubbly and always greets me. We have no idea what happened.

I keep on telling my daughter even before that one of the keys to a lasting friendship is communication. Friends should be open if there are things they need to tell each other that can affect their relationship.

I was really surprised and very proud of my daughter's reaction to Girl Friend. Without me telling her exactly what to do, I learned she wrote Girl Friend a letter asking her what happened. Did she do something that hurt her? If she did, she is not aware of it but she apologized for whatever it is that she had done wrong.

Even older, more mature people will have a hard time apologizing and bring down their pride to patch up a ruffled friendship. What my daughter did was a very mature way of dealing with her friendship with Girl Friend.

I commended her action. I am really proud of her. I also told her she did her part and that's that. I don't want her to appear clingy especially to someone who does not seem to appreciate her effort. My daughter needs to learn too when it's time to move on. Fine if she does not respond, fine if Girl Friend goes back to their normal friendship. My daughter said, "well, that's more than fine. That will be better." Again I was surprised. Her reaction just goes to show she still wants to preserve their friendship and ready to forgive and forget whatever it is which made Girl Friend treat her coldly.

After a week, Girl Friend responded to my daughter's note. She said she finds my daughter irritating and vain (GF actually used a word I'd rather not mention here. It was really mean). My daughter chose not to answer her.

I was wondering if Girl Friend's attitude could be a form of bullying. I am sure it is. I just want to understand it more. It may not be in the form of physical or verbal abuse but it is definitely emotional abuse. I want to read more about it and how it should be dealt with. I chanced upon several websites discussing about the "silent treatment" as a form of Relational Aggression (RA).

Relational aggression is described as any behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating relationships with others (Crick & Grotpeter, 1995). Unlike other types of bullying, relational aggression is not as overt, or noticeable as physical aggression. However, the effects can be long lasting.

While relational aggression can take many forms, some of the methods include:
* Exclusion
* Ignoring
* Malicious gossip and rumor spreading
* Taunts and insults
* Teasing
* Intimidation
* Manipulative affection
* Alliance building
* Cyberbullying

Source: Mean Girls---Realities of Relational Aggression

It is much like the mean girls we watch on movies and television, the Queen B and the acting leader of the pact. Girl Friend is not as worst as how RAs are described above but who knows, she must be going to that point as she is trying to isolate my daughter from their common friend.

I am still weighing things if I am going to discuss this with the class adviser and the mother of GF whom I see in school. I had a few encounters with her and she seemed accommodating. Will discussing this make things better?

Generally my daughter is doing good. She's affected because she feels a friend betrayed her but I don't see any signs of depression nor lack of interest in school. She has other friends she gets along with in her class. In fact she just got accepted in their music group in school right after her first audition.

That is what I always tell my daughter. Keep a lot of friends and don't be confined with a clique. Explore and be active in extra-curricular activities she is truly interested in.

Back to my question, shall I just keep on giving advices to my daughter and let this "issue" of GF die down? I am giving it one more chance but another incident I mentioned above should occur I would request for a meeting with the adviser and the parent. If this kind of bullying continues, clearly it needs attention and resolution by adults - parents and teachers.

I'm hoping for the best.